Why St. Louis has my heart...

Sometime last year a comment was made in regards to how unappetizing a trip to St. Louis would be and I tried really hard to not let the comment offend me, but it did. I knew the person who had made the comment and had actually been in the area where they lived so when they made the remark, on top of making me furious in a sense, it made me laugh. The area they are from is what I call cookie cutter, or robot subdivisions. It was a pleasant suburban area with all the nice amenities, Targets, Chipotles, Nordstroms, neatly manicured parks, well paved roads and clean streets. The houses were nice and neighborhoods seemed safe and friendly, but nothing had character. You really had to look for the number on the front of the houses to know you were at the right house because they all looked the same. Obviously it has been some time since these words were said but it's fueled me to compile a little exposé if you will of why this city has my heart.

I've lived in this city my entire lengthy 27, almost 28 years except for a brief stint across the river in Waterloo, Illinois. When I say I've lived in the city, I mean the city. Some of my county friends growing up were under the impression that any location where the Arch could be seen meant you were in the city. Well, not quite. When I was younger it was a struggle getting friends of mine to make the trek all the way down to the city to spend time together due to safety concerns and in all honesty in confused me. I spent the majority of my childhood years in a beautiful 3 story home in the Tower Grove Park neighborhood. This home had so much character to it that I imagined as a child all of the other families who had lived there and what their lives were like since the home was built after the World's Fair in 1907. My room was all the way on the third floor in the finished attic section of the house. A winding wooden staircase took you to my cozy room with the ceilings slanted with the curve of the roof and the solitary window tucked away in the cove between two crawl spaces of unfinished attic. The home had so much of its original hardwood floors and intricate woodworking still in tact nearly a century later. There was an original stained glass window leading up to the second floor that I loved because of the colorful dancing shadows it created on the walls. I still say to this day that if somehow I could find the money to purchase that home I would live back there in a heartbeat.

The house that I grew up in. 

My childhood was filled with make believe in the backyard, rollerblading down our streets with our neighborhood friends and summertime adventures going to the local family owned bakery where my brother and I were on cloud nine when we could purchase a dozen donuts for a mere 3 dollars. My memories include weeknights walking to the Vietnamese restaurant a block over, cramming into a booth while the owner presented us with the most delicious spring rolls and vietnamese noodles. He'd always joke that when I was old enough I would need to get a job there since I knew the menu so well. My dad would also challenge us to order our meals using the actual Vietnamese titles and we'd share a good laugh when we would get corrected after totally butchering them. Being close to this hub of varieties of ethnic foods, my brother and I grew up appreciating many things most children wouldn't. We had this great sense of culture that we might not have had had we lived 25 minutes away, tucked away in a quaint little subdivision.

A recent snowy morning run at Tower Grove Park.

When I married, my husband and I moved to West County because of the proximity to his job and the surprising affordability of what we thought was a fairly nice apartment in a pretty nice part of the county. After about a year, I was bored. I wanted to be able to walk out my door and go over to Jay's international market to get a sampling of strange candies from around the world, I wanted to be within walking distance of Tower Grove Park, I wanted to sit on the brick patio of a coffee shop and watch the cars pass by on the busy streets and the families walking their dogs in the neighborhood. WalMart wasn't quite the idea I had in mind when I wanted a little bit of culture in my life.

Recently single I decided that this was my opportunity to come back home. Back to my city girl roots. Having gone through a pretty traumatic separation I could have crumbled and become a recluse to the rest of the world. Instead I decided that I would fill my life with the little adventures I had wanted in my marriage, even if it meant alone, I was going to enjoy life. I remember one of the first Saturdays that I ventured out alone. I took a trip over to Cherokee street and stepped into my now very favorite coffee house, The Mud House. Instantly I fell in love. The mish mash of decor on the wall ranging from vintage bikes, to milk crates filled with well worn and well loved books, the arrangement of wooden tables filled with people studying, sharing breakfast with a loved one or diving into a book, the crazy kind tattooed girl working behind the counter that meticulously makes the best chai latte you'll ever have...this was home.

A cozy Saturday morning at The Mud House.

As a photographer, I began documenting my adventures through Instagram, using the #stllove hashtag so others could share in my lovely city. From Food Truck Fridays to warm summer evenings sipping on a local craft beer on Art Hill watching (and quoting the majority of) the Princess Bride. From muggy Saturday afternoons chugging beer and cheering on my favorite baseball team to crisp fall mornings taking in the local artisan fare with my mom at The Botanical Gardens. From getting inked up at the hole in the wall tattoo shop on Jefferson to savoring tapas and fine cocktails at Sanctuaria in The Grove.

Nothing beats Cardinal's baseball. Nothing.

Here's why I choose St. Louis:

I'd much rather sit in a crowded back room of a restaurant with a roaring fire sampling Spanish Meatballs and Steamed Mussels, enjoying a house made Sangria and the company of my parents than an overrated chain restaurant eating a cheeseburger while some awful version of Happy Birthday is clapped over in the background. (Trust me I worked at the latter, that was enough.)

I'd rather spend my summer evenings standing in food truck lines, meeting new people, getting tastes of the best food in the area than sit in an air conditioned movie theater where I just spent half my paycheck for the stale popcorn I'm eating.

I'd much rather dig through racks of someone else's previously owned cardigan sweaters to find the perfect yellow one to match my new sundress than fight with parking lot villians at the local mall.

The sea salt and bacon chocolate chip cookie from Whisk is a must.

I'd much rather get my morning coffee and pastries from small businesses like The Mud House and Whisk Bakery where people take the time to be courteous and the workers appreciate your business than wait in line behind the tons of people waiting to order their over priced lattes at a chain coffee shop.

The beautiful view from my loft.

I'd much rather sit in my living room, staring out at the snow falling on the 100 year old church across the street as homeless people go in for the night to the the attached shelter than have a neighborhood where you can't figure out whose house is whose because they all look the same.

Washington Avenue at night.

This city is filled with such unique experiences, so many adventures you can have just by walking out your front door and I am proud to call this place home. My heart is happy here. I feel alive and inspired here and I look forward to many many years of making memories here.


Staying at the Holiday Inn Express near the Airport and eating at the Chili's attached to the hotel is not experiencing St. Louis, visit me and I will show you St. Louis.

Don't knock it til you try it folks.

St. Louis Style House offers lots of T-Shirts representing neighborhoods in St. Louis. My favorite is the one that says "Fo' Chouteau!"

Square One Brewery is my favorite local distillery and their menu never disappoints.

My friend Nik came in from Pennsylvania and I took her for some chai and waffles at Melt.

Our Art Museum is one of the most beautiful and the best part, it's free.

Getting your produce and making the trip to Soulard's Farmers Market is a must.

Trader Bob's gets my tattoo business. Great guys and great business.

My mouth is watering just looking at this burger from Bailey's Range. You gotta try the Bourbon Mint Iced Tea!

Going to the Farmer's Market? Don't forget to grab one of the best bloody marys around.

All we need is a horizon line.

Back in October of 2011 I was driving in my car listening to the radio when this song from Feist struck a chord with me.

It's titled "The Circle Married the Line". The song tells a story of a couple struggling to see life the same way, they are struggling to make life together work and she sings about just wanting to see a horizon line, just to see the end of it, just to have some clarity.

A little more than two years later I am finally seeing the horizon line. The sun is finally setting on a part of my life that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. It's strange because I feel so torn about it all. There's a side of me that is just ready to breathe deeply and celebrate almost. Yes, celebrate. I struggle when I say that because it seems inherently wrong to celebrate a marriage ending. That's not the part I celebrate though. When everything began I felt like I had betrayed so many elements of who I was and what I wanted out of life by leaving him. There was a line that needed to be drawn though. A person can only withstand so much before breaking and a lot of me was broken.

I celebrate because that brokenness did not overcome me. I did not allow it to define the future I had ahead of me. Months and months of "you cant's, you wont's, you'll never be's" had melted me into a puddle of complete and utter disaster. I surrounded myself with people who reminded me of who I really was and slowly, very slowly I began to rebuild myself.

A few years later and I can look at myself in the mirror and see someone that I never believed I would see after all of this. I wanted to say that I'm someone I never thought I could be, but I think she was there all along, she just needed some prodding to get her fired up.

The other half of me is in mourning. All the could haves, should haves and here's how our lives will be together...it's all just becoming a part of the the past. It's still an internal struggle. You love someone so so much. It hurts your heart so much kind of love. Then that person isn't a part of your life anymore. He's making a life for himself somewhere else, with someone else. It cuts you deeply and you can't help but blame yourself for every little bit of it. Every single mistake you made you blow it up and think, that was it, that's why my marriage didn't survive. Nothing really prepares you in life for that kind of hurt.

I grieve because I gave my heart to someone and I've been working so hard to piece parts of what I gave back together, to learn to trust again, to learn to love again and mostly to learn to love myself.

I'm ready. I want to love again. I feel like I was meant to share my life with someone, so I know that this is not the end in that part of my life. But it is the ending to a part of my life. Seeing him will be hard and it's quite ironic that we see each other for our divorce hearing the day before Valentine's Day.

It's been a long road and so many of you have played such a key role in keeping me afloat and reminding me that I am loved. From the Scofield's who graciously and lovingly opened up their home to me when I needed a place to go, to Jess offering up her bed so I could finally get a full night's sleep in months, to Robert and Erica for giving me a wonderful home, and such great friendship when I felt so alone, to my parents who remind me constantly of what unconditional love is and encourage me so much daily. I am surrounded by so much love. I know that my future ahead of me is bright and beautiful. I thank each and every one of you who have extended kindness and love to me in the past few years.

One chapter in my book is closing, but there are so many more amazing ones ahead of me.

I can see the horizon line.

When you can't hold yourself up anymore.

That feeling of not being able to catch your breath. That moment when you can't pick yourself up off the floor. The times you have to pull over on the road because the tears in your eyes are clouding your ability to drive safely.

All very familiar things in the beginning of it all. It almost becomes part of your daily existence. 

Then there's time. They say time heals all wounds. I'd like to know who "they" are. They were wrong. Everything starts to scab over and heal, every once in awhile it itches and nags at you, but you ignore it...and then crash...the bandage rips off and there you are completely vulnerable again to all the pain and frustration you had done so well to separate yourself from.

I had my suspicions for so long, but it's in my nature to just trust or even just let it go, but what's worse than finding out that you were right, is the kick in the gut when you feel like you've been treated like a lesser human being, like an idiot.

Seeing the words "This homewrecker is in a relationship with your soon to be ex-husband" (obviously not really what it says) pierced me in the side deeper than I thought it would. It just confirmed everything that I already knew deep in my heart, but also exposed that everything I was told wouldn't ever happen, did. 

Listen. I figured it was inevitable that these two would end up together. I mean, hell, he moved in with her. At a certain point I had come to a settlement in my own heart that that's how it was going to be. What was insulting to me was how he tried to brush it under the rug. JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH.

Tell me it was always her you preferred to be with. Tell me that those weekend trips to see her weren't just because you wanted to go out of town. Tell me that when you said to her that you loved her that you meant you loved her, like the way you once loved me...or convinced me that you did.

I'm more angry than anything else. Like you've been living under this guise that it doesn't affect me anymore, or that by avoiding the truth, all the pain would just go away. Well you were wrong. 

You promised yourself to me. You said through thick and thin. And our thin was too much to handle and so it ended. And it was enough to have to heal from that, but to know that you are now spending your daily life with the one I said you needed to let go of to save our marriage. You chose her over me.

And now while you share your life with your so-called friend I am left to go at life alone. When I've had a horrible day, I don't get to come home to anyone. I was supposed to be coming home to you. When I've had a long day at work and I don't really feel like cooking dinner, I was supposed to have you as back up to throw a pizza in the oven or offer to take me out to dinner. When I see a new restaurant in town, I was supposed to be able to share the experience with you, not alone. When I go to family dinners for Thanksgiving, it was supposed to be six of us. Mom and Dad, AJ and Shauna, me and you. But now I'm the fifth wheel while you enjoy the comforts of sharing your holidays with someone you care about and her share it with her family. 

I have so many things I want to say to you. You have no idea, no idea at all, the emotional turmoil you've put me through. 

While you get to cozy up to her at night, I lie awake thinking about tackling another day by myself. Trying to figure out how to glue these broken pieces back together enough that I could let someone love me again in the future. If I get that opportunity.

I'm not supposed to be saying if. It was supposed to be me and you. Me and you.

I've tried my damndest for over two years to be strong. To just accept that this is my life now. To embrace this life that I've been thrown into. It hasn't been without its really really horrible moments but overall I've done well. 

Today I felt like I was back at the beginning of it all and I am so angry at you.

You being with her is not the issue. It's you not having enough respect for me to just tell it like it is. 

I have to stop before I say something I don't want to say. Well, I want to say it, but I probably shouldn't.

let the beauty we love, be what we do.

I have that saying plastered all over my life. On my desk at work, on my wall at home, and soon on my arm in the form of a tattoo.

In the past few months, in the time I've completely forgotten that this blog existed, a lot has changed in my life and it's all been for the better. At the beginning of October I fulfilled a very big dream of mine and moved downtown into the Artist's Lofts building off of Locust.

Being here has been one of the best decisions I've made for myself. I've always been a city girl. I love being able to walk out the door and experience life right in my neighborhood. Being around all the action of city life really inspires me and motivates me with my photography business. Being a part of a community of artists is an added bonus as well. I've really enjoyed taking the spare moments, which are rare right now, to just walk around my neighborhood and enjoy life, whether that's spending the morning at the finish line cheering on strangers after they run a half marathon, or pulling up to the bar at Bailey's Range and sipping on some Strawberry Boozy Lemonade while taking in all the people around me. I thrive in places like these. For me, feeling lonely is not an option or a place I want to be, so I take into my own hands my ability to just enjoy life for what it is each day.

One of my last posts on this blog was about the weekend visit by Nik and Rob during my birthday and it's been so long since I've posted that she's come to visit again and headed back to Pennsylvania today.

I had mentioned in passing how I wanted to see her again and so I suggested, semi-not serious, that she should come to St. Louis and help me second shoot a wedding. Next thing I know, the ticket is booked and she's heading back my way. Cue the excitement.

Having her here was so needed in so many ways. Don't get me wrong, I can rock the flying solo thing like no other, but like any normal human being we all crave company at times. Sometimes it's just nice to share the day to day with another human being. Other than the excitement of shooting a wedding we did pretty average things but it was very meaningful to me to have her here with me. She accompanied me to the courthouse (multiple times) so I could file my divorce paperwork and just the simplicity of her tagging along made the anxiety of that whole experience far lower than it would have been had I done it alone. 

We did share some damn good meals together though, and I feel that's always one of the best ways to show someone the STL. Chai and waffles at Melt, tacos and guacamole at Mission Taco, Burgers and Boozy lemonades at Baileys Range (ok it's kind of my favorite), yellow curry from Sen Thai, and a late night run to Imo's for some veggie pizza. 

I think the biggest benefit of the whole weekend of having her here was the quality time we had together just having heart to heart moments. The circumstances in which we became friends are kind of rare, meeting on an online photo board ya know, and so sometimes it does seem surreal when I get to have her encouraging me in my own living room. Like my brain sometimes can't wrap itself around the awesomeness of it all. Something about this chick, we just connect on a really deep level that I really feel lucky to have. It's a rare thing these days to have people who encourage you, push you and tell you they believe in you and really truly mean it. 

Nikki is a tell it like it is, no holds barred type of gal and that is a gift. I need people in my life who push me to believe in myself and won't allow me to make excuses for myself. I think more than anything after this weekend she's really just encouraged me and convinced me that if I want happiness in my life I have to take matters into my own hands. I'm not here to perform for anyone else. If there's something in life that I want, I have to take the steps to get there. My happiness is my own responsibility. Seeing my dreams come to fruition, that's in my hands. 

These things don't just apply to my photography business, but to my personal life in such a significant way. I've spent so much of my life keeping up appearances for other people, worrying too much about how other people perceive me, being afraid of disappointing people and it's turned into such wasted energy. I don't want to get burnt out on exhausting my efforts for the sake of what everyone else "thinks" of me.

So here's to my happiness. Here's to a life full of being fulfilled. Here's to making the simple things beautiful. 

Nik, you're the shit. Thanks for being the shit. And here's to many more years of booty shaking, beer drinking, photo loving friendship.

Dust to Dust

I said earlier that I would probably take the time to blog about a song that really stood out to me today, and after realizing how neglected this blog has been, I thought it was the right time to get out some of what I've been experiencing lately.

If you were to ask me what my top 5 favorite bands/musicians are, The Civil Wars would be in that group. I've seen them live twice, had the pleasure of meeting Joy Williams and the experience altogether was incredible. There's something to be praised about a duo who can produce such beautiful music with the simplicity of their own voices and a guitar (and sometimes a piano). The stage presence that these two offered to you was on a level of being able to feel every single word that they sang. They communicated with one another through their eyes, through the way that Joy would reach out her hand to John Paul as they sang Poison and Wine, through the raw and powerful abandon of their voices.

The interesting thing about this duo is that their name is pretty descriptive of their current state of existence. The Civil Wars. Something has occurred between them that has caused some discord, and though I don't really care to speculate, it does break my heart that these two are not on speaking terms. But at the same time, it makes the songs that they have written and sang that much more authentic. These two don't just perform, they tell stories with their songs.

I've been a fan of them since the very beginning. I have multiple references to their songs tattooed on my body. The first concert that I went to, I stood there at this concert venue in Chicago with my cousin, tears streaming down my face as they sang "I don't have a choice, but I still choose you." I have those lyrics tattooed across my shoulders. People ask me repeatedly if I regret getting that tattoo, because it references my relationship with my soon to be ex-husband. And the answer is no, I don't regret it. If I had the opportunity, I would still choose him. I love him and I always will.

This might dumbfound some of you who know me well enough or know my situation. I never wanted my relationship to result in divorce, but after a certain point it isn't really something I could prevent. You can push and pray and fight and try all you want, but if the other half isn't in it, then you are left high and dry.

The Civil Wars have a new album debuting next week, which I pre-ordered months ago and will arrive at my door on August 6th and I had the opportunity to listen to it in its entirety online today. I've heard bits and pieces of the various songs but I was really able to soak in the experience of it today. As I was listening to it, I felt like they were inside my head. And that's why I respect them so much, because they have the ability to tell the stories of those of us who struggle so much to tell our own.

I feel like all in all I have come out on top in my situation. It still is a daily struggle. It's difficult to feel that the future you envisioned with someone is vanishing before your eyes. I have come to accept that it is what it is, but I won't lie, the pain still lingers.

I watched the video today for "The One That Got Away" and like I described earlier, seeing the angst and the visible pain between Joy and John Paul brought back a physical memory of the heaviness of those 9 months. Living with someone who you were once madly in love with, and who was in love with you, and now walking in the door and he's just a stranger, it's one of the most painful things in the world. It's almost like experiencing a death, because you had a life together, you had a future planned, and it was being stripped away before my eyes.

I slept in the same bed as him, but there was a physical barrier between us. The man who once wanted nothing but to hold me in his arms in the same space, it was like a magnetic field was separating us. The man who I said goodbye to as he boarded a plane for St. Louis and I stayed in Central America was now the man I am having to say goodbye to permanently.

I know that I have my whole life ahead of me, and everyone tells me I have plenty of time to fall in love again. I don't doubt that. I try my hardest not to dwell on the past too much, but I can't help but have these feelings and emotions come up out of me still. The papers are all together and though it seems like it's been a century of dealing with this struggle, it will all be over in a split second. And it is sad. 

I miss sharing my life with someone. Though I am known for my ability to enjoy life and venture out solo, I am just not the type who prefers to do these things alone. I feel like my life is meant to be shared with someone, and I wanted so badly to share it with him. It just won't be that way. I hope that he finds happiness. I hope that he knows I forgive him.

It is hard though, to watch my future disappear before my eyes. It is somewhat terrifying. Because I feel like I am venturing out on all new territory and doing it alone is not how I had envisioned it. I know that God will see me through, and I know that I am stronger for all the pain and doubt and disbelief that I have experienced.

I can hold my head high today and say that this experience did not defeat me. If anything, it revealed who I am to myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, my passions, my hopes and my fears. I know these things about myself and I can forage on with more strength than I had a year ago.

I have this mantra that I tell myself almost daily. It will be my next tattoo. (Sorry Mom.) But when all of this began and I was feeling scared and alone, I wrote on my mirror with some red lipstick, "I am beautiful, I am capable, I am strong." And those words are true. I hope to bring to a marriage someday what I had hoped to offer to him, but I will be stronger, and more confident because of where I have come from.  Until then I push on and approach each day with a heart of thankfulness, for grace in my life, for forgiveness and for the beauty that I see in every day.

P.S. Please order the new Civil Wars album. I don't know how many people read my blog, but maybe the influx of extra CD orders will make them get back together.

Maybe.

Photo Lovin in the STL

"When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy."- Rumi

After this past weekend, that's exactly how I feel. 

The much anticipated Nik visit came and went, but it ended up being so much more than I could have asked for. Not only did I get to share my life with my soul sister and her awesome man for 2 days, I walked away feeling rejuvenated and inspired all over again.

Nik is a beautiful soul. She's creative, she's compassionate, she challenges me and she's done nothing but show me acceptance and kindness since the day we got to know each other. I don't know how I find people like her, but I feel incredibly lucky. (I only wish these people didn't live on opposite sides of the country.) 

The joke after this weekend was "we are the same person" after an adorable comment on instagram from a girl from our photo board who admittedly confessed she thought we were the same person for awhile. But it's true, Nik and I are a lot alike in many ways. Even down to weird little nuances like not being able to drink caffeine because of a heart condition. 

We love to a fault. We are sensitive and we are our own hardest critics. We make weird noises when we get excited during photo shoots. We love to eat. (Who doesn't though?) We have solo dance parties and we don't give a rats ass who might see us in our ridiculousness. But most of all we are two creative souls who just want to find our place in the world. 

I told her after she left this weekend that I felt like it was a mini photo retreat or photo conference. She challenged me to not be confined to the box that the photography industry wants to stick us in. She inspired me to believe in myself that I can really be successful with my business and it doesn't have to be run in a particular way, because it's my passion, my business. 

Also seeing the way she and Rob interacted together, the way they share life together so beautifully, the way he supports her every wild and random decision, it gave me hope that I can have that. It wasn't even jealousy, it was just a little seed of hope that that is out there for me somewhere.

It was hard having them leave because I feel like we barely scratched the surface, but I feel like even after this weekend, we already share such a deep friendship that I really value to no end. On top of heart to hearts, and sharing our passions and goals for our business, we really just had a blast going around town and seeing some of what St. Louis had to offer. Which pretty much meant we ate a LOT of food. 

Yellow Curry from Thai House.

Mojitos and birthday shots with some of my favorites at TGI Fridays.

Pizza at Kevin's place. (That's a whole post in and of itself.)

Chai lattes from Mudhouse.

Made from scratch dessert deliciousness from Whisk.

Running amuck around the City Museum (or the enchanted playground as Rob called it)

Fried Pickles and T-Ravs at Flannerys.

A delicious birthday dinner, graciously paid for by my parents at Sanctuaria.

And a whole lot of photo love.

Nik. You rock my socks off, Soul Sister.

some time down the road.

my poor neglected blog.

forgive me friends.

i can make up a bajillion excuses. let's just say i've been busy.

i've lost count of what day of the year it is. 78. 82. who knows. and because it's been so long i'm not really sure how to approach writing this post.

i could do a quick run down of the past few weeks. yes, let's do that.

i've booked 5 weddings this year so far. including what will be one of the most beautiful weddings ever, for my brother and his beautiful bride to be. to say that i'm honored to be photographing their wedding is an understatement.

winter does not seem to want to leave. it's like that annoying drunk uncle who just hangs around too long at holidays. listen, winter, you've overstayed your welcome. 12 inches of snow this past sunday. yeahhhh, i'm gonna have to ask you to quit that.

divorce papers are almost done. i have more on that. but that's a separate post. a much more detailed post. a much more emotional post.

two weeks ago i went to a concert on a monday night. besides throwing me off the rest of the week because i tricked myself into thinking it was a friday, it was totally worth it. i went with my friend and her brother to see Dessa and Aby Wolf and i liked it so much that i drove 2 hours away this past friday night to see them again in columbia, mo.

it was kind of a stepping stone for me. i went back and forth all day at work on friday trying to decide if it's what i wanted to do. i would be going alone. i didn't know anyone there. i would most likely have to drive back the same night. i literally did eenie meenie miney mo to decide. for serious. but i stuck with my gut and i did it. and i had a blast. i stood right up in front with an eclectic mix of college students, aspiring rappers, hipsters and well i don't know where i fit in there, but i broke it down and danced and lost myself in the music. and after i spoke with Aby and thanked her for sharing her awesome talent and i made my way back home at 1 am.

it was a stepping stone for me because i proved to myself i could do something that made me happy, even if it required stepping outside of my comfort zone a little. or a lot. i've written before about how i've become accustomed to doing things alone, but there's still some bumps i'm getting over. it felt very freeing to be able to just go and do something for myself, enjoy myself and not worry about the people around me.

in the next few weeks i will be all kinds of busy with spring sessions, engagement sessions, family sessions and my first wedding.

but i'll be completely honest, i'm most excited about my birthday. selfish? maybe. but NIK IS COMING!!!!!!!! i don't think even she understands how excited i am. we've maybe "known" each other for a few months...and i use "known" loosely because we are internet friends. but have you ever met someone and just felt like, dude, i've known them my whole life. they just get you. she and i text back and forth and sometimes its like we read each others' minds because we'll text each other regarding the same matter at the same time.

it's ESPN folks. ESPN.

(name that movie)

i live a pretty solitary life. i get used to it. but man, sometimes i miss doing things with someone. i miss sharing experiences with someone. making memories with someone. so for three days, i get her company, plus her man will be tagging along...dear rob...thank you for being so awesome....

but i'll have someone to go thrifting with. get tattoos with. go out to eat with. run amuck in the city and act a fool. and boy are we going to make the most of those three days. watch out world.

so prepare for Facebook/instagram overload from april 11-13th. and then a giant giant picture overload here too of course.

alright my friends. i'm signing off for now. i have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn tomorrow morning for my kick my ass workout. another new thing i'm doing. and just a little bit about that...while i do it i think...audrey what you were thinking?....when i'm done i think yeaaaaahhhh gurlllll get it. right now i'm in the what you were thinking stages....so i better get to bed so i can actually make it out of bed tomorrow. yeesh.

and a little instagram collage of the past few weeks just to appease your eyes. :)