I said earlier that I would probably take the time to blog about a song that really stood out to me today, and after realizing how neglected this blog has been, I thought it was the right time to get out some of what I've been experiencing lately.
If you were to ask me what my top 5 favorite bands/musicians are, The Civil Wars would be in that group. I've seen them live twice, had the pleasure of meeting Joy Williams and the experience altogether was incredible. There's something to be praised about a duo who can produce such beautiful music with the simplicity of their own voices and a guitar (and sometimes a piano). The stage presence that these two offered to you was on a level of being able to feel every single word that they sang. They communicated with one another through their eyes, through the way that Joy would reach out her hand to John Paul as they sang Poison and Wine, through the raw and powerful abandon of their voices.
The interesting thing about this duo is that their name is pretty descriptive of their current state of existence. The Civil Wars. Something has occurred between them that has caused some discord, and though I don't really care to speculate, it does break my heart that these two are not on speaking terms. But at the same time, it makes the songs that they have written and sang that much more authentic. These two don't just perform, they tell stories with their songs.
I've been a fan of them since the very beginning. I have multiple references to their songs tattooed on my body. The first concert that I went to, I stood there at this concert venue in Chicago with my cousin, tears streaming down my face as they sang "I don't have a choice, but I still choose you." I have those lyrics tattooed across my shoulders. People ask me repeatedly if I regret getting that tattoo, because it references my relationship with my soon to be ex-husband. And the answer is no, I don't regret it. If I had the opportunity, I would still choose him. I love him and I always will.
This might dumbfound some of you who know me well enough or know my situation. I never wanted my relationship to result in divorce, but after a certain point it isn't really something I could prevent. You can push and pray and fight and try all you want, but if the other half isn't in it, then you are left high and dry.
The Civil Wars have a new album debuting next week, which I pre-ordered months ago and will arrive at my door on August 6th and I had the opportunity to listen to it in its entirety online today. I've heard bits and pieces of the various songs but I was really able to soak in the experience of it today. As I was listening to it, I felt like they were inside my head. And that's why I respect them so much, because they have the ability to tell the stories of those of us who struggle so much to tell our own.
I feel like all in all I have come out on top in my situation. It still is a daily struggle. It's difficult to feel that the future you envisioned with someone is vanishing before your eyes. I have come to accept that it is what it is, but I won't lie, the pain still lingers.
I watched the video today for "The One That Got Away" and like I described earlier, seeing the angst and the visible pain between Joy and John Paul brought back a physical memory of the heaviness of those 9 months. Living with someone who you were once madly in love with, and who was in love with you, and now walking in the door and he's just a stranger, it's one of the most painful things in the world. It's almost like experiencing a death, because you had a life together, you had a future planned, and it was being stripped away before my eyes.
I slept in the same bed as him, but there was a physical barrier between us. The man who once wanted nothing but to hold me in his arms in the same space, it was like a magnetic field was separating us. The man who I said goodbye to as he boarded a plane for St. Louis and I stayed in Central America was now the man I am having to say goodbye to permanently.
I know that I have my whole life ahead of me, and everyone tells me I have plenty of time to fall in love again. I don't doubt that. I try my hardest not to dwell on the past too much, but I can't help but have these feelings and emotions come up out of me still. The papers are all together and though it seems like it's been a century of dealing with this struggle, it will all be over in a split second. And it is sad.
I miss sharing my life with someone. Though I am known for my ability to enjoy life and venture out solo, I am just not the type who prefers to do these things alone. I feel like my life is meant to be shared with someone, and I wanted so badly to share it with him. It just won't be that way. I hope that he finds happiness. I hope that he knows I forgive him.
It is hard though, to watch my future disappear before my eyes. It is somewhat terrifying. Because I feel like I am venturing out on all new territory and doing it alone is not how I had envisioned it. I know that God will see me through, and I know that I am stronger for all the pain and doubt and disbelief that I have experienced.
I can hold my head high today and say that this experience did not defeat me. If anything, it revealed who I am to myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, my passions, my hopes and my fears. I know these things about myself and I can forage on with more strength than I had a year ago.
I have this mantra that I tell myself almost daily. It will be my next tattoo. (Sorry Mom.) But when all of this began and I was feeling scared and alone, I wrote on my mirror with some red lipstick, "I am beautiful, I am capable, I am strong." And those words are true. I hope to bring to a marriage someday what I had hoped to offer to him, but I will be stronger, and more confident because of where I have come from. Until then I push on and approach each day with a heart of thankfulness, for grace in my life, for forgiveness and for the beauty that I see in every day.
P.S. Please order the new Civil Wars album. I don't know how many people read my blog, but maybe the influx of extra CD orders will make them get back together.
Maybe.
