forty sixth.

i drove in a circle today for 4 hours.

i saw abandoned buildings.

i waved at people in the small towns i passed through.

i got lost on gravel roads.

but most of all, i had an adventure.

it's a goal of mine to just push myself to do things that might be uncomfortable for me. so today i got in my car, picked a road and just began to drive.

i originally intended on stopping in a town and exploring, but i ended up being so fascinated by all these tiny towns that i just kept going.

i went to prairie du rocher, chester, perryville, st. mary's (population 360), ste genevieve and valmeyer.

in a few weekends i plan to go back to ste. gen and explore a little more but today i was just getting a lay of the land.

forty three.

tough day.

angry people on the phone. cussing. being hung up on. being told you're stupid. i understand, anything having to do with health insurance and money can be frustrating. but i assure you, i am far from stupid.

harumph.

these types of days either require large glasses of wine or some positive pick me up so i don't go to bed crabby. since i'm fresh out of wine, option two was what i went for.

today i happened upon this organization called LionHart. i like them for various reasons, pretty pictures, pretty and organized website, good stories to read, but most of all i like them for their vision. it coincides with my goal recently to make people feel beautiful for who they are. so i see on there that they suggest throwing a "what's your worth" party. the idea is to get some girlfriends together and do a photo shoot revolving around what it is that you find in yourself that is beautiful or worthy. i absolutely love this idea, because while i enjoy the business aspect of Vintage Suitcase, more importantly i love carrying out a creative vision. so i've decided to throw my own "what's your worth" party. i figure i can get some friends together, we can sip on tasty beverages, maybe eat cucumber sandwiches like we are fancy and take the time to tell our stories and just feel beautiful and loved.

i think it's vital to surviving every day to feel like you're needed in the world.

i really look forward to sharing these images in a few weeks and getting the chance to share other people's beautiful stories and beautiful selves.

challenge yourself to look in the mirror and tell yourself why you are worth it. trust me, it's good for the soul.

love on and love strong, my friends.

Thirty something to now.

I'm behind. But it's not without reason. Every day this week I would come home, prepared to make time to write and then I just couldn't. I couldn't quite find the words and even now I'm not sure I'll have the words I want to say, but I will do my best.

Sunday my heart sank into my chest as I learned that one of my dear friends had lost her mother. And in many cases in my life I can say that I consider her mother my friend as well.

Beautiful, compassionate, tender, gracious and loving Lisa had gone on to be with our Jesus.

Lisa was a treasure. A tenacious lover of Jesus. A gentle and understanding woman who stopped her universe to be a part of yours. A fierce and fiery warrior who had the appearance of a gentle soul. A shining example of a committed wife and devoted mother.

I feel nothing but honored to have known Lisa and to have such a connection to her family. The tears that were shed this week were too many to count, but the love that flooded our hearts and lives as we recalled the beautiful life of this woman was greater and more lasting than the sorrow that we feel now.

Today as we celebrated her life I felt this surge of emotion that spanned everything from joy, to incredible sadness, to anger. But most of all I felt love.

It was probably the most beautiful memorial service that I have ever been a part of. As the slideshow played in the background and we saw this beautiful life and legacy before us I just looked around and felt overwhelmed by the amazing community that I have been a part of for my entire life.

We worshiped our Jesus together and I couldn't help but feel this intense joy and peace in my heart imagining Lisa before the throne adoring Him the way that she did so beautifully in the house of prayer. But as someone said today, now she was not limited. Her body was not limited by the cancer that had stolen her strength, she was not inhibited by the fear of man, she was there before Him, completely and freely worshiping him with reckless abandon and the thought of that just brought tears to my eyes.

Everyone could agree that there was nothing to speak ill of when it came to Lisa. She truly was an example of the love of Jesus, walking it out, every day of her life.

I will be completely honest and say that I am a very emotional person. I've never been one really to hold back when I'm upset, or on the opposite end of the spectrum express when I'm happy.

Today was not only to chance to reflect on the life of Lisa, but a chance to look into myself and ask myself some tough questions and confront some difficult emotions that I tend to throw to the side lately. Lisa's brother in law took the time to share some of his memories of her and his impression of her life and it was just so raw and real and intense. He expressed how much he believed that in Lisa being taken away from us, how God would use this situation to bring others near to Him. That maybe by her example and devotion to the Lord that someone who had fallen to the wayside would come back to Him.

But the one that got me the most was when he said "Maybe today there's a husband and wife sitting in this room and their love for one another has started to fade and they feel like throwing in the towel. And maybe they'll see the beautiful and shining example of Lisa and her commitment to her husband Jack and it will bring healing to their marriage."

Cue Audrey losing it. Thank God Tammy Riddering was sitting next to me or I'm afraid I would have been uncontrollably sobbing.

Why did this strike me so intensely?

I'm going to get very honest here and it's scary for me to do because everyone has their opinions and thoughts on the issue, but this is something that continuously weighs on my heart and maybe I'll find healing by talking about it.

I feel like I failed my husband. I feel like I failed at loving Josh to the best of my ability. Every single day I fight with myself over the state of things. There's the side of me that's ready to carry on, to accept that we are two very different people, who want two very different things out of this life, who have very different opinions on a variety of things and just couldn't be compatible. And then there's the side of me who just wants to love him and not give up on him. The side that says if I just keep loving him as hard as I can, loving til it hurts, loving him to the point that even if I have to sacrifice everything it is that I want out of life just to spend my life with him,  that maybe our marriage can find healing and restoration.

Just maybe.

People see me and might see that I've started to move on and let go of that part of my life. But the pain is still very real and the love that I have for him is still very tangible. I would love more than anything for the arms that were around me comforting me as we mourn the loss of a friend, to be my husband's arms. I would love more than anything to not have to dwell on being the third wheel or the fifth wheel when I'm out with a group of friends. I would love more than anything to come home from work and have him there to cook dinner for and rest in his arms as I wind down from the day. I would love to think about my future and have him still be a part of it.

As much pain and disappointment I may have experienced, as much as my expectations of what "we" would be might not have been met, I wanted a different ending to this story.

My fairytale ending might not have happened and these visions and dreams I had for my life I thought would unfold before me might not. At least not how I had envisioned.

Yet as these thoughts flooded my mind and I was brought to tears I was overcome with this beautiful love. I had my hands outstretched, pretty much as a sign of abandon before the Lord, as if to say I'm a mess, and my love is weak, but it's what I had to give. And I felt so much love and it was if He whispered to me that my love was beautiful, my strength was beautiful and my honesty was beautiful.

It was almost as if He was also saying, "I know."

He knows my pain. He knows that my heart is unsettled. He knows how much I wish that my husband was in my life. But He also knows that my love wasn't wasted and that even though my husband isn't a part of my every day life or my world, I want nothing more than for him to know love, and to be loved. I want nothing more than for him to find happiness in life, for him to feel fulfilled, and for him to know the joy and beauty that is this gift of life that we have.

And that's a gift that Lisa gave me today. That I can rejoice in this beautiful life. That I can wake up everyday with a smile, and with compassion in my heart, knowing that I've been given another chance to love harder and stronger than the day before. The gift that I can be reassured that Jesus takes delight in me. That He sees me for who I am and He loves me deeply. That I can live out my life as I am, the creative, spontaneous, can't say no to anyone, dance parties on the daily, storyteller, and lover that I am. The gift of knowing that I am beautiful and loved. The gift of being surrounded with such a strong community of people who encourage and love one another in the best and worst of times. The gift of knowing that as long as I live out my days here on this earth that I will know love.

I am not ashamed of this love. I once was. But I am not anymore because it is the most perfect and beautiful treasure that I can cling to. His love brings me hope. His love brings me restoration. His love casts out all fear. His love allows me to reconcile with myself and allow myself to see me how He does.

Lisa, your love was beautiful. Your life exuded the grace and compassion of Jesus and you will be incredibly missed. Your family will be loved, don't you worry. Thank you, thank you for speaking into my life. Thank you for holding me months ago when I felt so alone and that my world was crumbling underneath me. Thank you for flooding me with compassion and speaking truth into my life. Thank you for praying for me and for my husband in the late hours of the night. Thank you for fighting for me. Thank you for reminding me just how beautiful the love of Jesus is and how much He really does love and cherish me.

Dance Lisa. You fought the good fight and now you have perfect healing. Dance with reckless abandon.

We love you.

thirty-fourth.

February.

The month that the aisles of stores are overflowing with heart shaped candy and people crowd around trying to find the perfect card that says what they want to say to a loved one.

Already I've found myself snarling at the thought of Valentine's Day. I have to prepare myself for a day of flowers being delivered in my office and being reminded of my current relationship status.

It stings a little.

But I'll be fine, you know why, because at the root of it all I believe in love. I love love.

I'm finding myself lately reading page after page of blogs of my favorite and most inspirational photographers and honestly, I don't have to read a whole lot because the images tell enough of a beautiful story.

At the top of my list is "We are the Parsons". I've sometimes been brought to tears seeing some of the images from the weddings they've captured or even just intimate sessions between a husband and wife. The tears come from a place of knowing that I can hope in that kind of love, some of the tears come from a place of sadness, but most come from a place of beautiful hope, knowing that I can have the chance to be a part of a love like that.

I see love every day.

My parents are a perfect example of that. Obviously being their child, I've gotten more of a glimpse into their life together, but yet there's still so much I'm discovering about how committed to one another they are. Married young with a newborn baby, plenty of hiccups and speed bumps along the way, and yet their marriage is more beautiful than ever. Sometimes I envy them. It's known around these parts that my parents get out and live life. They eat at unique restaurants, go to art fairs, sit in a musicians living room to enjoy a concert and most of all they enjoy each other's company. They deserve to get to experience these exciting things together. They've worked hard to get to this point in their life and I'm so proud of them for it. But the dedication that my parents have for each other is always going to be a beautiful reminder that I can have that for myself some day.

And it's not to say that I haven't experienced that already. Yes the pain of divorce is very poignant and real and I wish more than anything that this wasn't my story. But let me be clear in saying that I would do it all over again. Why? Because even in the end when everything was broken, I gained more than I could have ever imagined out of my marriage. We had our shortcomings. We had our faults. And our roads diverged. But for that short time that we walked down the same road together, those memories are preserved in my heart and they are cherished.

We shared beautiful, intimate moments together that I will forever cherish. I could look at love be jaded, but I am not. I've tasted love and even if for a moment that's all I have, it is so precious to me that I wouldn't give it up for the world.

The fragile and delicate state of of my heart at times has allowed me to be broken open and experience love in a more real and incredible way than I ever have before. Even now as I write this through the blur of tears that fill my eyes, I have hope. Hope that one day my fingers will be interlaced with another's and I can rest my head on his shoulder and we can feel such a deep connection and gratitude for what it is that we share. But even more than longing for knowing and feeling that love again, I have to remind myself that every day, love is all around me.

And though I would gladly accept flowers or a sweet love note on Valentine's day, I can still celebrate love. But honestly, shouldn't it be celebrated every day.

Oh and just as a little suggestion. Skip the Hallmark aisle. Take the time to write out why it is that you love someone. Dig deep for those words that really say what it is you want to say. Even if it's not elaborate, even if it's not a Keat's poem, even if it's as simple as "you mean the world to me", just say it. And another suggestion...don't wait for Valentine's day to say it.

thirty first, thirty second and thirty third.

yikes. i've neglected my blog almost as much as i've neglected to wear anything other than yoga pants lately.

don't knock the yoga pants, people. they are as comfortable as all get out, and sometimes that's what life is about...comfort.

what a wonderful segue this gave me because today's post is about being comfortable in our skin. i'll get a little bit personal here and lead into where i'm going with this.

i have been my worst enemy this year when it comes to feeling happy in my own skin. circumstances surrounding my life have made me feel incredibly uncomfortable with my body. there was a time where i was a skinny little thing who could eat anything she wanted and not gain a pound. i think i kind of took that for granted. well now i'm the curvy not so little thing who wants to eat anything she wants and does gain pounds.

i just looooove food.

anyway, i've been really uncomfortable in my skin. i had myself convinced that i needed to look a certain way to be loved. now i'm learning that i need to love and respect my body now so that i can continue down a road of getting healthy about how i perceive myself. i've been challenging myself to think differently, to even say something out loud that i'm proud of for accomplishing, in order to learn to love and accept myself. if i can't love and respect myself, then how can i love and respect others?

my skin. oh man my skin. i have the skin of a prepubescent 14 year old boy who eats too many pizza rolls. it's been a struggle for many years and it's a battle i wish i didn't have to deal with. i just can't find some kind of balance to keep it in check. i'll have good days and think i've finally found the magic solution and then the next day it's gone to crap. i've tried everything under the sun. it's frustrating to say the least. i don't go annnnnywhere without makeup on. this face does not get seen without coverup.

even in my marriage, i would insist on having makeup on every second of the day because i didn't feel acceptable without it in front of my husband.

this is tragic. i know. i'm trying sooo hard to let it go. it's really hard. it seriously is one of my biggest battles.

i'd love to run to walgreens for a bottle of sprite while i have the killer stomach flu without feeling self conscious about my red, dry, acne ridden face. i would love it.

my body. i weigh more than i wish i did. but, hey don't we all feel that way about ourselves in general. spare the few of you that really are awesome at accepting your beautiful bodies...kudos to you. getting personal here, but in 10 years, i would love to have a breast reduction. yeah, you heard me right. most women want the opposite. mine are large and they give me back problems and i have yet to find the right kind of bra that makes me feel sexy and not like i've shopped in the grandma support bra section at macy's.

my stomach. my stomach sticks out and so i find myself perpetually trying to suck it in for the sake of keeping up appearances.

i could go on. but that's not what this is about.

there's a blog post circling the internet about a woman who had a change of heart about getting her photos taken regardless of the fact that she wasn't 100% happy with her body. it's such a poignant story she tells and it's one that i hope people take to heart.

as a photographer, i'm not in front of the camera very often. one because, well i'm always photographing others (which i love) and two, i generally don't like pictures of myself, save for the blurry selfie here and there with a heavy instagram filter to cover all my blemishes.

but i'm having a shift in thinking. i love documenting things in life. obviously, that's what this blog is about. so why not document myself? i want to be able to look back at this time in my life and see myself as a strong, beautiful woman who has overcome a lot and grown a lot in a short period of time. i want to see myself as the opposite of all the lies i've convinced myself of over the past few years.

i also want this to be a goal with my photography. today i had some boudoir sessions and let me tell you, i absolutely loved them. sometimes people turn their noses to boudoir sessions because they think they are too risqué. i see it completely differently. i see it as an opportunity for a woman to completely feel beautiful and proud of her body. to embrace herself as she is and show off all the wonderful details of her body and her personality. that's something that always shines through in these sessions, personality. if i can get a girl to light up and feel comfortable and see herself as beautiful, then i have accomplished my goal.

so in april, when my beautiful friend Nik comes to photograph me, i'm gonna go all out. whether i lose 15 lbs or not. i'm going to love myself and i'm gonna rock that shoot out. i'm going to exemplify all of the qualities that i'm proud of in myself and in 15 years i will look at them and i will smile and see how far i've come.

love yourself. and don't be afraid to be in a picture. your loved ones will cherish those memories being preserved. they won't look back and say...oh that was when mom had put on some weight...they'll say, look at how beautiful she was, look at how much she loved us and memories will be triggered. and it will be beautiful. because you know what, you are beautiful.

in the words of my homegirl rihanna, shine bright like a diamond.