Sunday my heart sank into my chest as I learned that one of my dear friends had lost her mother. And in many cases in my life I can say that I consider her mother my friend as well.
Beautiful, compassionate, tender, gracious and loving Lisa had gone on to be with our Jesus.
Lisa was a treasure. A tenacious lover of Jesus. A gentle and understanding woman who stopped her universe to be a part of yours. A fierce and fiery warrior who had the appearance of a gentle soul. A shining example of a committed wife and devoted mother.
I feel nothing but honored to have known Lisa and to have such a connection to her family. The tears that were shed this week were too many to count, but the love that flooded our hearts and lives as we recalled the beautiful life of this woman was greater and more lasting than the sorrow that we feel now.
Today as we celebrated her life I felt this surge of emotion that spanned everything from joy, to incredible sadness, to anger. But most of all I felt love.
It was probably the most beautiful memorial service that I have ever been a part of. As the slideshow played in the background and we saw this beautiful life and legacy before us I just looked around and felt overwhelmed by the amazing community that I have been a part of for my entire life.
We worshiped our Jesus together and I couldn't help but feel this intense joy and peace in my heart imagining Lisa before the throne adoring Him the way that she did so beautifully in the house of prayer. But as someone said today, now she was not limited. Her body was not limited by the cancer that had stolen her strength, she was not inhibited by the fear of man, she was there before Him, completely and freely worshiping him with reckless abandon and the thought of that just brought tears to my eyes.
Everyone could agree that there was nothing to speak ill of when it came to Lisa. She truly was an example of the love of Jesus, walking it out, every day of her life.
I will be completely honest and say that I am a very emotional person. I've never been one really to hold back when I'm upset, or on the opposite end of the spectrum express when I'm happy.
Today was not only to chance to reflect on the life of Lisa, but a chance to look into myself and ask myself some tough questions and confront some difficult emotions that I tend to throw to the side lately. Lisa's brother in law took the time to share some of his memories of her and his impression of her life and it was just so raw and real and intense. He expressed how much he believed that in Lisa being taken away from us, how God would use this situation to bring others near to Him. That maybe by her example and devotion to the Lord that someone who had fallen to the wayside would come back to Him.
But the one that got me the most was when he said "Maybe today there's a husband and wife sitting in this room and their love for one another has started to fade and they feel like throwing in the towel. And maybe they'll see the beautiful and shining example of Lisa and her commitment to her husband Jack and it will bring healing to their marriage."
Cue Audrey losing it. Thank God Tammy Riddering was sitting next to me or I'm afraid I would have been uncontrollably sobbing.
Why did this strike me so intensely?
I'm going to get very honest here and it's scary for me to do because everyone has their opinions and thoughts on the issue, but this is something that continuously weighs on my heart and maybe I'll find healing by talking about it.
I feel like I failed my husband. I feel like I failed at loving Josh to the best of my ability. Every single day I fight with myself over the state of things. There's the side of me that's ready to carry on, to accept that we are two very different people, who want two very different things out of this life, who have very different opinions on a variety of things and just couldn't be compatible. And then there's the side of me who just wants to love him and not give up on him. The side that says if I just keep loving him as hard as I can, loving til it hurts, loving him to the point that even if I have to sacrifice everything it is that I want out of life just to spend my life with him, that maybe our marriage can find healing and restoration.
Just maybe.
People see me and might see that I've started to move on and let go of that part of my life. But the pain is still very real and the love that I have for him is still very tangible. I would love more than anything for the arms that were around me comforting me as we mourn the loss of a friend, to be my husband's arms. I would love more than anything to not have to dwell on being the third wheel or the fifth wheel when I'm out with a group of friends. I would love more than anything to come home from work and have him there to cook dinner for and rest in his arms as I wind down from the day. I would love to think about my future and have him still be a part of it.
As much pain and disappointment I may have experienced, as much as my expectations of what "we" would be might not have been met, I wanted a different ending to this story.
My fairytale ending might not have happened and these visions and dreams I had for my life I thought would unfold before me might not. At least not how I had envisioned.
Yet as these thoughts flooded my mind and I was brought to tears I was overcome with this beautiful love. I had my hands outstretched, pretty much as a sign of abandon before the Lord, as if to say I'm a mess, and my love is weak, but it's what I had to give. And I felt so much love and it was if He whispered to me that my love was beautiful, my strength was beautiful and my honesty was beautiful.
It was almost as if He was also saying, "I know."
He knows my pain. He knows that my heart is unsettled. He knows how much I wish that my husband was in my life. But He also knows that my love wasn't wasted and that even though my husband isn't a part of my every day life or my world, I want nothing more than for him to know love, and to be loved. I want nothing more than for him to find happiness in life, for him to feel fulfilled, and for him to know the joy and beauty that is this gift of life that we have.
And that's a gift that Lisa gave me today. That I can rejoice in this beautiful life. That I can wake up everyday with a smile, and with compassion in my heart, knowing that I've been given another chance to love harder and stronger than the day before. The gift that I can be reassured that Jesus takes delight in me. That He sees me for who I am and He loves me deeply. That I can live out my life as I am, the creative, spontaneous, can't say no to anyone, dance parties on the daily, storyteller, and lover that I am. The gift of knowing that I am beautiful and loved. The gift of being surrounded with such a strong community of people who encourage and love one another in the best and worst of times. The gift of knowing that as long as I live out my days here on this earth that I will know love.
I am not ashamed of this love. I once was. But I am not anymore because it is the most perfect and beautiful treasure that I can cling to. His love brings me hope. His love brings me restoration. His love casts out all fear. His love allows me to reconcile with myself and allow myself to see me how He does.
Lisa, your love was beautiful. Your life exuded the grace and compassion of Jesus and you will be incredibly missed. Your family will be loved, don't you worry. Thank you, thank you for speaking into my life. Thank you for holding me months ago when I felt so alone and that my world was crumbling underneath me. Thank you for flooding me with compassion and speaking truth into my life. Thank you for praying for me and for my husband in the late hours of the night. Thank you for fighting for me. Thank you for reminding me just how beautiful the love of Jesus is and how much He really does love and cherish me.
Dance Lisa. You fought the good fight and now you have perfect healing. Dance with reckless abandon.
We love you.
Wow. This was beautiful Audrey. You are beautiful.
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