All very familiar things in the beginning of it all. It almost becomes part of your daily existence.
Then there's time. They say time heals all wounds. I'd like to know who "they" are. They were wrong. Everything starts to scab over and heal, every once in awhile it itches and nags at you, but you ignore it...and then crash...the bandage rips off and there you are completely vulnerable again to all the pain and frustration you had done so well to separate yourself from.
I had my suspicions for so long, but it's in my nature to just trust or even just let it go, but what's worse than finding out that you were right, is the kick in the gut when you feel like you've been treated like a lesser human being, like an idiot.
Seeing the words "This homewrecker is in a relationship with your soon to be ex-husband" (obviously not really what it says) pierced me in the side deeper than I thought it would. It just confirmed everything that I already knew deep in my heart, but also exposed that everything I was told wouldn't ever happen, did.
Listen. I figured it was inevitable that these two would end up together. I mean, hell, he moved in with her. At a certain point I had come to a settlement in my own heart that that's how it was going to be. What was insulting to me was how he tried to brush it under the rug. JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH.
Tell me it was always her you preferred to be with. Tell me that those weekend trips to see her weren't just because you wanted to go out of town. Tell me that when you said to her that you loved her that you meant you loved her, like the way you once loved me...or convinced me that you did.
I'm more angry than anything else. Like you've been living under this guise that it doesn't affect me anymore, or that by avoiding the truth, all the pain would just go away. Well you were wrong.
You promised yourself to me. You said through thick and thin. And our thin was too much to handle and so it ended. And it was enough to have to heal from that, but to know that you are now spending your daily life with the one I said you needed to let go of to save our marriage. You chose her over me.
And now while you share your life with your so-called friend I am left to go at life alone. When I've had a horrible day, I don't get to come home to anyone. I was supposed to be coming home to you. When I've had a long day at work and I don't really feel like cooking dinner, I was supposed to have you as back up to throw a pizza in the oven or offer to take me out to dinner. When I see a new restaurant in town, I was supposed to be able to share the experience with you, not alone. When I go to family dinners for Thanksgiving, it was supposed to be six of us. Mom and Dad, AJ and Shauna, me and you. But now I'm the fifth wheel while you enjoy the comforts of sharing your holidays with someone you care about and her share it with her family.
I have so many things I want to say to you. You have no idea, no idea at all, the emotional turmoil you've put me through.
While you get to cozy up to her at night, I lie awake thinking about tackling another day by myself. Trying to figure out how to glue these broken pieces back together enough that I could let someone love me again in the future. If I get that opportunity.
I'm not supposed to be saying if. It was supposed to be me and you. Me and you.
I've tried my damndest for over two years to be strong. To just accept that this is my life now. To embrace this life that I've been thrown into. It hasn't been without its really really horrible moments but overall I've done well.
Today I felt like I was back at the beginning of it all and I am so angry at you.
You being with her is not the issue. It's you not having enough respect for me to just tell it like it is.
I have to stop before I say something I don't want to say. Well, I want to say it, but I probably shouldn't.
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